and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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