you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
