I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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