I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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