I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
