I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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