Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
