The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
they call him Oral-B. enough said
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
