Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize