defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
