Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
