Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
