I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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