The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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