So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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