i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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