No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
