We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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