when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
