No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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