If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
