The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
