I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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