GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I love you. Go after that dick
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