I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
