She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
