question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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