Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
