Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We're too hungover to prance.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
