Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
