My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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