I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
