Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Randomize
