You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
