I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
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