I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
