I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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