Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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