either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
