Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
