i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
