he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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