Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
