She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
