Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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