I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think I won the penis lottery.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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