i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
