Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
