My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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