I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
