I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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