Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
