I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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