no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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