Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
