I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
