he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
